Keene, NH— At a rally today in Keene, New Hampshire, Vermont Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders said he would not rule out using Old Man Strength against ISIS or any other foreign threat.
“When dealing with foreign policy, I have to utilize all the tools at my disposal. Nothing should be off the table,” said Sanders.
“Put me in the bay of a B-52, fly me over a foreign country, and broadcast me over the bullhorn. I’ll show you curmudgeon-grade mushroom clouds the likes of which you have never seen.”
Senator Sanders also added that “the radioactive half-life of Old Man Strength is drastically less than the radiation associated with nuclear weapons. It’s the greener option, and being from Vermont, nature and the environment are very important to me, so I will go with the greener solution when at all possible when dealing with these issues.”
When asked about the last time he had to utilize his Old Man Strength, Sanders answered “It was this past Thanksgiving, opening a jar of Vlasic Gherkin Pickles for the holiday spread. The cap was giving me trouble, so I fired off the Old Man Strength like a nitrous oxide tank, and completely devastated that lid. And I will use that same power on any foreign entity that threatens our great country.”