Miami, Florida— On the heels of spelling “United States” wrong in a letter to the Alaska Republican party, former Republican Presidential candidate Senator Marco Rubio is now being criticized for spelling “Florida” as “Flo Rida” in official government documents after recently becoming a fan of the sunshine state hip hop artist.
Rubio dismissed the criticism saying “Look, when I actually do go to work, things can get a bit dull in the Senate, so I was just trying drop a little flavor and make things a bit more gangsta up in the chamber.”
Rubio recently met the Carol City rapper when he performed at fundraiser for his campaign and the two hit it off. “His performance was mesmorizing. I went home and listened to his whole catalog in one sitting that night and I was just blown away.” Rubio raved.
“I’d have to say my favorite song is probably “Sweet Spot” featuring J Lo. It just speaks to me in a profound way that I can’t describe in words. I play the song at full volume on my Bose Wave Radio and it takes me to another place.”
“Before I met Flo Rida, I had been driving around for the last ten years just listening to 50 Cent “Da Club” over, and over, and over again, so Flo Rida’s music has opened up a whole new world to me.”
Rubio has agreed to stop using the alternate spelling on official government documents, but says he will continue to use it when practicing law and in his private affairs.
Photo by: Gage Skidmore
Queens, NY— People are calling for Republican candidate John Kasich to drop out of the Presidential race after footage surfaced showing him eating pizza with a knife and fork in an Italian pizzeria in Queens.
“You can’t eat pizza like that in Queens. It’s an abomination! It may even be illegal, and if it isn’t, it should be.” said enraged NY pizzeria owner Mario Vincenzo after seeing the video. “Did you see what he did to that slice? Maddona Mia! It was perverse. I can’t even watch the video, it’s making me sick. Please turn it off.”
Vincenzo added “Do we really want someone who eats pizza like that in charge of the free world? I just can’t see hardcore New Yorker’s voting for someone who would defile a beautiful NY slice in such a manner.”
Kasich tried to defend his etiquette, explaining there were extenuating circumstances. “The pizza was scalding hot so I ate my first bite with a knife and fork, and ate the rest with my hands.”
When criticized about the incident by a reporter, Kasich retorted “I was eating pizza before you were born,” and added “the fact that you only showed the beginning of the video with me using utensils on the first bite and not the full video of me eating the rest of the slice with my hands is just irresponsible, dirty journalism.”
As a result of the incident, which has been dubbed “Slicegate,” Kasich’s poll numbers are plummeting in NY, and his campaign is scrambling to do damage control and restore confidence in Kasich with the people of New York before the New York primary, which is just weeks away.
Portland, Oregon— The nation has been captivated by the bird that landed on Senator Bernie Sanders podium Thursday at a rally in Portland , but further investigation suggests the bird may have been a Hillary Clinton spy drone disguised as a bird and sent to gather intelligence.
“I thought I was having a legitimate moment with a real bird.” said Sanders after the rally “but now, it looks like it may have been a spy drone in birds clothing, like that mechanical owl from Clash of the Titans.”
When asked how the drone theory emerged, Sanders said he couldn’t say much because it was an ongoing investigation, but he told us that his secret service tracked the bird after it flew from the podium to an alley behind the rally where it landed on the wrist of someone later identified as a Hillary Clinton aide.
The Clinton aide and bird were seen being spirited away in a black SUV with tinted windows. We reached out to Clinton and her campaign manager, but they declined to comment on the incident.
Keene, NH— At a rally today in Keene, New Hampshire, Vermont Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders said he would not rule out using Old Man Strength against ISIS or any other foreign threat.
“When dealing with foreign policy, I have to utilize all the tools at my disposal. Nothing should be off the table,” said Sanders.
“Put me in the bay of a B-52, fly me over a foreign country, and broadcast me over the bullhorn. I’ll show you curmudgeon-grade mushroom clouds the likes of which you have never seen.”
Senator Sanders also added that “the radioactive half-life of Old Man Strength is drastically less than the radiation associated with nuclear weapons. It’s the greener option, and being from Vermont, nature and the environment are very important to me, so I will go with the greener solution when at all possible when dealing with these issues.”
When asked about the last time he had to utilize his Old Man Strength, Sanders answered “It was this past Thanksgiving, opening a jar of Vlasic Gherkin Pickles for the holiday spread. The cap was giving me trouble, so I fired off the Old Man Strength like a nitrous oxide tank, and completely devastated that lid. And I will use that same power on any foreign entity that threatens our great country.”